Thank You for The Woman’s Version of “Turn Your Head and Cough”

Okay, there are a few good things about Western Medicine—curing polio, the advent of Doctors without Borders, preventing women from dying during childbirth, and a whole lot of those fascinating hospital sitcoms and dramas, but sensitivity to the female form is NOT one of them (To my trepidatious male readers: Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to say menstrual cycle, menopause, or vagina out loud. Shhh!)

There are times when I think we have not really evolved much from the days of The Catholic Inquisition when it comes to the feminine annual check up.
Putting fuzzy socks over cold steel stirrups on a gynecology table does not turn the exam into a spa treatment— though I do appreciate the effort to hide them and keep our feet from freezing. But… our feet are not the discomfort zone during that procedure where we can’t see the doctor’s head.
It is not our feet that we are thinking about when we hear a distant voice, behind our knees trying to assuage the anxiety of our blatant nakedness under the ruffling paper blouse you so kindly offered to replace our comfy clothes and nicest underwear.
It is not our feet that cringe when the voice behind the knees says “I’m going to insert….Now I’m going to…This will be a little… You may feel a pinch…”
But hey, thanks for those cute fuzzy socks anyway —even though we do know what you’re hiding under them.

And speaking of cold steel implements and instruments, how is it that we have invented flexible rubber bake ware, teflon coated cookware, and all manner of soft things to enhance the quality of our lives and not one single Einstein has figured out how to keep a speculum warm before it reaches the Gateway to the Gods and causes the Goddess’s core body temperature to drop four degrees?

And another thing…
That mammogram machine? You just KNOW that is an archaic remnant from the days when some Archbishop was trying to get the truth out of an alleged witch who was guilty of growing an herb garden.
Seriously, That machine is amazing! It can take a 32A and turn her into a 44D in one slow motion squish! It’s a real eye opener!
The first time I saw it, I said to the nurse “Hey, how does that machine take a Mammogram of a woman who only has a Gram O’ Ma’am?”
She showed me a kitchen spatula and said “We can make it work.”

Okay, that’s enough.
I am thankful I am a healthy specimen of a woman and all is well in my internal world but I hope by next year one of us brilliant humans will invent a kinder gentler female examination.

medical exam


~ by leakelley on July 1, 2013.

8 Responses to “Thank You for The Woman’s Version of “Turn Your Head and Cough””

  1. lol

    hear, hear

  2. The last pelvic exams I had were from three different clinics/MD’s and ALL had warmed the speculum!

    (It can be done, and I have no idea why more don’t do it.)

  3. The secret is to talk about something even more painful with the headless doctor while the procedure is going on. I chose the economy last visit. I hardly felt the “pinch.” 🙂

  4. anhinga,
    I get it!
    Everyone else dealing with our present economy is feeling the “pinch” though!

  5. i like to make the MD just as uncomfortable as me…
    Some things that have worked:
    “So it must be really hard to have sex with your wife after looking at vaginas all day…”
    So how much does this gig pay? I think I may be more qualified than you…”
    “You know so much about me, I feel like I should know about you. So how big is your penis? Ever have trouble getting an erection?”

    …At least it makes the exam go by faster, and you bet your booties they aren’t gonna spend any extra time with small talk.

  6. Karma, you need to take your show on the road. This is so funny.

  7. My friend Jan refers to her annual as her yearly “Poke and grope” appointment…

    The doc for my first exam was the dad of a high school classmate..i could just hear the dinner-hour conversation…”Oh guess who’s ass I saw at work today?”

    My second doc was a woman, I thought that would be more comfortable..she wore all leather and I could have sworn I saw her carrying a leather strap..

    as an adult, I have been more lucky with my physicians, all women, not a strip of a whip among them…

  8. I haven’t had a cold instrument inserted into my pinkest places in over 4 decades! What kind of place are you going to?

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