Thank You for the Homebody Rescue Center

This is their new radio advertisement… (in a smooth English accent)

Do you work from home?

Do you leave your house only to buy supplies and get annual check ups?

Do weddings, funerals, graduations, and other social events drop off your calendar with flimsy excuses like “I need to stay home and watch Matlock”?

Have you ever wished there was a home delivery program for camping vacations, swimming with sea tortoises, or climbing Mount Everest?

Would you love to be at concerts, parties, cafes, and dinner with friends— without committing to leaving your home?

Would you enjoy having a crowd shipped to you by airmail, so you could mingle from the comfort of your sofa?

Do you want to visit the Smithsonian and the Grand Canyon from the safety of your front porch?

The Homebody Rescue Center provides a myriad of services to accommodate every budget and personal preference.

Our professionally trained Homebody Rescue Team can assist you with your social needs while maintaining your privacy and supporting your total lack of enthusiasm.

What we offer:

(Listed in order from our least expensive program to the Home Shebang, for which we are famous)

Package A:

For a minimal donation of one day of your life, we provide the following:

  • A snapshot of you in a sombrero
  • internet access
  • a french toilette
  • a tape recorder
  • one packet of Sominex.

Our staff will arrive at 8 am on the designated day and guide you through an amazing array of visual options, while inducing a hypnotic trance that convinces you that you are experiencing real life while you piss away your time, talk to yourself, and dream of being anywhere else.

Package B:

Requires a two day notice and for the affordable fee of one week of your life, you receive:

  • A gold plated telephone directory
  • Unlimited Chinese food and pizza delivery
  • Two specialized HRC staff members
  • Access to more than 300 original excuses

Our staff will call all the friends you still have after you ignored them for a year, and make beautifully crafted excuses for you.

Our clinically tested excuses are proven to bring friends and family members to your own home for all social commitments without expectation of reciprocity.

Once we have corralled the intimate crowd for you, we create a  prescreened seating arrangement that puts you in a complimentary light and makes you appear to be out of your sweat pants and sitting up.

Bonus feature: This wonderful light also prevents others from noticing moo shu pork on your chin.

Package C:  wait for it…The Home Shebang!

For the rest of your life, Homebody Rescue Center supplies:

  • A live circus that tramples through your house
  • A Rock Band that smashes your windows with loud amplifiers
  • A Meteorite that lands on your front steps
  • A Criminal that steals all your furniture
  • A well trained Electrician that wires your toaster to your kitchen faucet
  • A professional Ranch Hand that runs a Herd of Cattle through your Bathroom
  • A tactical response Explosive Handler who blows the roof off your house and leaves you exposed to the elements
  • A prerecorded voice on a platinum record that repeats the same sentence over and over….

“Step away from that computer and go outside and play!”

rescue team

Brought to you by The Homebody Rescue Team and their affiliates.

~ by leakelley on October 23, 2009.

2 Responses to “Thank You for the Homebody Rescue Center”

  1. See, they need to clean my house first. Silly boys.

  2. I need that and I need it NOW!!

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