Thank you for Clean,Transgendered Para Jumpers with an Attitude

So, my pal, Karma calls me this morning. Says “Lea Kelley, there was a giant wolf spider in my bath tub last night when I took a shower. He was huge! “

“Was he the size of a Buick?”


“I just left him on the other side of the tub while I showered. But I think I might of killed him with the soap and water. I’m gonna go look and see if he’s still there by the drain.”

Silence on the other end.

I take a sip of my coffee.

I pet the cat.

“Oh my God! He’s still there!”

“Well I guess you didn’t kill him, you just cleaned him up nice.”

“I don’t want him here. He can’t live with me!”

“Well you could evict him since he didn’t pay rent. But you may have to call the police if it gets out of hand.”

“I think he’s pissed off, what should I do?”

“Take a jar, put it over him, slide a piece of paper under it, and carry him outside.”

“But he’ll jump!” “Did I mention, he’s really huge? Probably the type to have a bunch of babies, then what?”

I am baffled. I say “Let’s blog about it and see if anybody’s got an idea.”




~ by leakelley on April 30, 2009.

7 Responses to “Thank you for Clean,Transgendered Para Jumpers with an Attitude”

  1. Does Karma have a cat? Preferably one that is not off duty.

  2. Wash the spider down the drain.

    The pet your cat

    and take a sip of coffee.

    Then blog about it.

  3. Otto Mann, you gave me a chuckle. If it is the size of a Florida swamp spider there is no drain large enough to wash it down. LOL

  4. cat is useless.
    spider is too big for cat’s mouth.
    spider is too big to fit down drain, no joke.
    when friend came over to help flush it down the toilet, the toilet backed up and we had to plunge it.

    still not joking.

    If it’s pregnant, you could have hundreds of spiders any minute
    How to catch one (be FAST!)
    This one also recommends a cat. Heh.

    I am with Lea here. If you don’t want to poison it with a spray and just kill the sucker, find a large, CLEAR, covering, like one of those things you use to cover up cheese on a cheese plate, a bell jar, or a cake covering. Clear is helpful. After you have it securely covered, have a cocktail. Then, since it is huge, use something stronger than regular paper, poster board larger than the circumference of your “bell jar.” Open front door next, whilst fixing yourself another drink. Slide the stiff paper slowly under the spider, giving it time to jump on top of the paper, or, have one more cocktail, jam that paper under. Carefully lift the whole contraption and go out your open door and dump the sucker.

    Come back in, fix yourself another cocktail.


  6. First you put on all your best western gear; cowboy boots, jeans, chaps and hat. Make sure there are no snags in your lasso rope, then throw open the bathroom door and rope that sucker. Wrangle him down the hall and straight out the front door. You might upend a table or knock a picture off the wall but it’ll be worth it to have him back in the great outdoors where he belongs. Anything that big should have enough room to roam.
    Then, job well done, sit down and have a nice frosty beer to celebrate the fact you didn’t lose any limbs in the process.

  7. i can’t help but think…

    that if i am to become a major player in the spider-wrangling business, i may become an alcoholic…

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