Thank You for Drug and Alcohol People, Disguised as Friends


Sometimes we choose our friends. Sometimes our friends choose us and there’s nothing we can do about it—we think.

There are some friends that touch our hearts and then there are the friends that can climb into our soul and claim our whole body. 

They are very sneaky but if you recognize them, you can avoid a lot of dysfunctional relationships.

I personify such friends to give me a better idea about whether I want to be friends with them or not.

Potential friends you may have seen:


Male, approximately 5’9”, overweight, pale skin with a lot of pink blotches, partially bald with red rimmed eyes. Seductive in his youth but grows into a debaucheries old fat man as soon as you show any affection. Has a loud voice, thinks he’s funny when he tells obnoxious jokes, Takes you out to classy places on the first few dates but after that, he always wants to stay home and hold you hostage to his repeated stories about how things used to be. He’s wearing a nice suit but his underwear are dirty.


Female, tall slender, beautiful and sensual with soft eyes and a sweet voice. Likes to sing and write poetry. Has a soothing demeanor and a child like sense of humor. Doesn’t like crowds but will socialize in random sentences and giggles that seem inappropriate to conversation. She is emotionally immature, sees no reason to participate in conventional society, and can be very convincing when she wants candy or a nap. Sometimes demonstrates an irrational fear of strangers.


Male, exceptionally tall, smells like nervous sweat, very even teeth with a tense square jaw. Talks incessantly about himself and all his self deluding accomplishments, never asks questions about others, tries to involve you in schemes to get rich quick, and lords power over the less fortunate. He never sleeps and rarely eats—though he will order expensive meals at fine restaurants if you keep him company while he dominates the conversation.


Female, petite with disproportionately long limbs and pointy fingers. Dark, deep set eyes, whispers when she talks, appears very introverted, but can be viscous if she is threatened, has no personal boundaries and thinks your belongings are her belongings, very self indulgent and only cares about people who give her things, lives in a fantasy world where she thinks she is an oracle for God. She sleeps a lot and does not like bright light.


Colorful, androgynous, and appear innocuous until you become their friend— at which time they are very selective and specific about the demands they make on you. They are bossy and self righteous, with a tendency to quote laws and constitutional rights. They are unpredictable and sometimes seem harmlessly spontaneous. They have no forethought and live purely in the moment without planning and they are snippy with you if you question them at all.

Are we really judged by the company we keep?

None of the above are friends of mine, but I have met them or seen them around ,  and I am careful not to invite them into my house.

I have enough friends to keep me busy.


Non gendered, strong, robust with a french accent, very social and talkative, likes to analyze, write blogs, and ponder the universe.


~ by leakelley on January 10, 2009.

5 Responses to “Thank You for Drug and Alcohol People, Disguised as Friends”

  1. Let’s see. My friend is uhmmm… Chocolate. Sweet, versatile and is calling my name right now. ‘Scuse me.

  2. Well crafted!

  3. Keen eye and good descriptions of your observations. Too true.

  4. Nicely done! It kept me riveted. I would love to see you personify crack and meth too.

  5. What a keen eye. (someone used that one, but I wrote it before I saw that)

    I have other correlations to marijuana and coffee in my brain-bank, but these personifications are vivid and recognizable.

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