Thank You for the Truth About Bill

Who is Bill?

And why does he keep sending me letters?

Bill has more pen pals than anyone else in America—why does he need to write to me?

The truth is Bill is in a maximum security prison somewhere in the middle of North Dakota. He has a lot of time on his hands, so he writes to every household in the country asking for money.  I think maybe Bill is a con man with a really good scam. I almost always respond to Bill with a check as though this will keep him happy and he will leave me alone. 

But noo! He writes again and again and again. He writes every month! Bill is a greedy man.

His letters are not even interesting.

He never asks about my family, never says anything funny, never tells me what he’s been up to, doesn’t even write his letters by hand—Bill is not a personable guy!

I don’t think Bill and I would get along very well if we met in person. It’s probably best that I just send him money so he doesn’t escape and show up at my door while I’m in the middle of dinner someday.

I keep hoping some other prisoner at Bill’s facility will pick a fight with him so the guards will put Bill in solitary confinement and take away his writing privileges. I guess Bill is a slippery fellow, and stays out of trouble, because his letters keep coming.

I’ve heard stories about people who tried to ignore Bill. Bill has friends on the outside who have access to a lot of free minutes on their cell phones. Bill’s friends call people and threaten them if they don’t send Bill money.

I think he gives his phone friends a share of the take.

I have never met a single person who said they like Bill. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how he keeps this scam going.

But if Bill doesn’t send me a Christmas card this year with something personal written on it, I’m cutting him off! I mean it!  I just don’t have time in my life for people like Bill. Bill is not my friend.

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~ by leakelley on December 1, 2008.

8 Responses to “Thank You for the Truth About Bill”

  1. Bill is a normal guy, working 9-5, or 12-8 or 8-3 and he’s just doing his job trying to help people pay for the goodies they bought at Wal-mart, Sears or the supermarket.

    Bill is your neighbor, your friend and possibly even someone in your family. I know a lot of Bills and some of them are my friends.

    Bill will help you keep your credit in good order and allow you to borrow money for other cool things you want to buy.

    Bill is an important part of a healthy economy. Believe it or not, we would all be worse off without Bill.

    I know some Bill’s who are mean and nasty while other Bill’s are warm, friendly and understanding. Most Bill’s are very ethical and professional but there always are those bad apples….

    Bill is just trying to ensure people hold up their end of a particular agreement. He’s kinda like the lunch room mom on the school playground making sure everyone plays fair.

    If there is a particular Bill causing you trouble, send me an email and I’ll help you talk to him. I know the lingo.

  2. chuckling… funny! I think I get the gist of this one… slow brain day for me… 🙂

  3. “Bill is a normal guy, working 9-5, or 12-8 or 8-3 and he’s just doing his job trying to help people pay for the goodies they bought….” Helping? Ad barfum, ad pukem, ad sillyum, ad seasickum, ad loathium.

  4. This is absolutely hilarious.

    You had me going for a few lines. LOL.

  5. lol! Took me a minute to catch on.

    Bill can be tricky, too. We had a go-round with Bill last month, trying to charge us extra fees for something that was *his* fault.

  6. You said: “He never asks about my family, …” Yes, but do you really want someone in a maximum security prison asking about your family? Bill will probably get out one day. Something to think about.

    Just kidding … good post.

  7. Bill also has a lot of pull with the Public Service Commission, who is supposed to be looking out for us. He just asked for a 25% electric increase and they were happy to oblige on our behalf. He must be a real charmer.

  8. Do you mean Bill Creditor in Debtor’s Prison, North Dakota, by any chance? That guy STILL owes me five bucks 🙂

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