Thank you for Hormones (the Good, the Bad, and the Ogley)


“Oh, it’s just hormones.”

JUST hormones?

This negation of the vital ruler of my every thought and emotion will not do!

I got all manner of ‘lil peptide structures (invisible to the naked eye) contributing to my behavior and my status among well balanced, civilized people.

These entities are on some kind of hay ride, yahoo-ing their way to the anterior lobe of my forsaken pituitary like prolactin, holdin’ on with cat claws to plasma proteins, all the way to my adrenal cortex like androgens (testosterone—which, fortunately has not grown me a mustache yet).

Yep, I am a dopamine fiend. Arrest my hypothalamus and take me to Alcatraz.

Okay, have we thoroughly established that hormones are in control here?

When puberty hits, “it’s just hormones” explains that awkward, ogley, over-dramatized version of adapting to a world of exploding sexual potential.

After that, “it’s just hormones” is relegated to men who are very afraid of women who come out of the bathroom lookin’ like Lon Chaney with a chain saw and asking in a flat affect, “Honey, do yoooooo think I’m pretty?” The survivors of these incidents are few but they are very soft spoken.

Then… Aw Jeez! It is just hormones and hormones only.

Hormones become the scapegoat of any woman over 45 at every nuance of conflict or unexplainable circumstance.

Can’t find my keys…must be hormones. That movie made me cry…must be hormones. How the hell did my slippers get in the fridge?…must be hormones.

Hormones sneak into sentences and wipe out a woman’s entire vocabulary in a nanosecond. Emotional outbursts, irrational rationalizing, moping around the house because you won the lotto, wondering why you never became a stripper when ya had the chance, wonderin’ why ya didn’t get a sex change when ya had the chance, Singing “where have all the flowers gone” in the shower, blaming everything on hormones, taking no responsibility for anything, ever again.

When you think about it, this can be kinda fun. I am not gonna do a damn thing all day but eat junk food and lounge around in my cold, cold slippers.

Thank you for hormones.

~ by leakelley on August 18, 2008.

2 Responses to “Thank you for Hormones (the Good, the Bad, and the Ogley)”

  1. I suggest Hormone Harmony from, at least you can be hormonal and clean 🙂

  2. Thanks for writing this. Someone had to say it.

    This reminds me: I was having lunch with a friend once, and I joked to her that everyone was checking her out. It was definitely true, it was kind of odd, and so I pointed it out. She looked at me funny and changed the topic. She wrote a blog that night on how men are creepy pigs, using me as an example.

    When I asked her what the hell was going through her head, she apologized, “I am on my period and my hormones are out of whack.” She proceeded to explain her entire hormonal cycle: first horny, then paranoid, followed by a stint of depression. Apparently she has no say in the matter.

    Needless to say, I think of her more as an acquaintance now, and less as a friend.

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